Sunday, November 22, 2009
Funny Salesmen Jokes
Money Joke 1
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
Late-Night Jokes about President Barack Obama i
"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien
"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher
"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." –Bill Maher
"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon." --Bill Maher
"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer." --Jay Leno
"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel
“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno
"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno
"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers
"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno
"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman
"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno
"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." --Jay Leno
"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson
"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno
"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno
"After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno
Barack Obama Jokes - Late-Night Jokes about President Barack Obama ii
"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel
"We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." --Bill Maher
"Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said this guy has experience negotiating with the enemy. For gosh sake, he lives with his mother-in-law, you know." -- David Letterman
"Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." --Jay Leno
"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. To which the Canadians said, "Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher
"President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, Obama's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher
"I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' ... I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson
"How about President Barack Obama's first primetime press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?" --David Letterman
"I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama's new slogan is 'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'" --Jay Leno
"President Obama has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the economic stimulus plan. Yeah, Obama says the government will no longer need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays their back taxes." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That's true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them." --Conan O'Brien
"There was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there." --Jay Leno
"After going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"And during his inaugural address yesterday, President Barack Obama said, 'Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.'" --Jay Leno
"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien
Short Q&A Obama Jokes, ROFL
In the spirit of giving, we're gonna give you some more Obama Jokes... a flurry of Q&A shorties sure to leave you asking for more. Everyone will be laughing... except for Barack Obama, because that would be racist.
Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.
Q. Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
A. He thought Barry sounded too American.
Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?
A. It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Barack Obama.
Q. Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because he's running out of George Bush jokes.
Q. Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because she's running out of other crazy things to do.
Q. Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?
A. It was ours.
Q. Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Carter doesn't want to be the worst President in history.
Q. Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?
A. If he were any heavier he wouldn't be able to walk on water.
What'd You Think?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Car Bumper Stickers
Here is a selection of humorous car bumper stickers.
This is page 1 of 7
This truck is protected by an anti-social German Shepherd
Submitted by : Dusty
Is there life after death? Touch the Rednecks truck and find out!
Submitted by : Dusty
Ford Off road, if it ain't a Ford you either have to DODGE it or the trail or pull it out cus its sunk like a ROCK
Submitted by : Dusty
I'm NOT speeding, I'm qualifing!
Submitted by : Dusty
If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.
Do me a favor...Steal this car.
Warning: Driver only carries $20 worth of ammunition!
I don't like tailgaters, that's why I'm speeding.
If I go any faster I'll burn out my hamster!
I am the only one on this planet who know how to drive.
Jokes And Funny Stories About Frogs
Here are some jokes and funny stories about frogs.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a small dog?
A croaker spaniel.
What happens when you drink Frognog?
You croak.
How do frogs die? Ker-mit suicide
There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said:
"It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Funny Bumper Stickers
My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!
Beer -- Helping Ugly People Get Laid Since 1837.
Rehab is for Quitters.
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Milk sucks, got beer?
1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor
Save a tree; eat a beaver.
A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that shits behind the couch.
Does this condom make me look fat?
If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards!
I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh.
Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet!
Can I have your number, I'll call you when my dog is in heat.
Sweet guys open my heart, smart guys open my mind, but only fine guys can open my legs.
Sex is evil, evil is sin, sins are forgiven, so stick it back in.
Jim 06/02/2009
Traffic Stop
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
- video-shows
- testimonials-comments
- template-top
- sexfreetips
- masakan-resepi
- jinonline-tips
- funny-lawak
- balliqul-ilm
- analisispolitik
- adsense-download-tips
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for, sir?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're going to say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"
Funny : lawak nogori..
Dara : Abang sayang tak kek den..??
Teruna : Dah tontulah sayang..apo hal eh pulak tanyo nih..?
Dara : Sajo, yo... abangggg. .eden ado satu toka toki nih..??
Teruna : Apo bondo eh ??
Dara : Kalau abang sayang kek eden..kono jawab dongan botul tau²... .
Teruna : Abang cubolah.. camano tuh..
Dara : Kalau abang botul² pandai..cubo sobutkan bezo eh antaro burung dan kapa torobang ?
Teruna : umangg aiiii... Sonang eh... .burung bondo idup,kapa torobang tidak, botul tak ?
Dara : Salah... cubo laei..
Teruna : Burung kocik dan kapa torobang bosa gilo... ... .
Dara : Salahhhhhhhhhh. . cubo laei..ni poluang terakhir tau
Teruna : Burung ringan... kapa torobang boghek gilo... .
Dara : somuo eh salah... !! apo la punyo lombab..hahahahah.
Teruna : Apo nih..somuo eh salah..apo jawapan ehh..??
Dara : Dongar botul² yo..Kapa Torobang bilo naik..makin lamo makin kocikk... 'BURUNG' lak makin naik makin memBOSARRRRRRRRRRRR ... ..!!hwah..hwah.. hwah..tak gitu...
Maaf la ada unsur 18SX sikit. Den bukan org nogori... .tp..best gak... .hihihi
Kalau over sgt mod lock jo la..eden x kesah dowh..
Friday, June 19, 2009
99 High Paying Keywords
1. Structured settlements
2. Mesothelioma
3. Acne
4. Life Insurance
5. Death Insurance
6. Bextra
7. Asbestos
8. Car Insurance
9. Dental Plans
10. Private Jets
11. Debt Consolidation
12. Credit Cards
13. Rewards Cards
14. Equity Loans
15. Equity Line Credit
16. Loans
17. Mortgages
18. Pay Day Loans
19. Cash Advance
20. Bankruptcy
21. Reduce Debt
22. Refinance
23. Jet Charter
24. Vioxx
25. Wrongful death
26. Legal Advice
27. Taxes
28. Investing
29. Bonds
30. Online Trading
31. IRA Rollover
32. Refinance Quotes
33. Adult Education
34. Distance Learning
35. Alcohol Treatment
36. Rehab
37. Drug Rehab
38. Spyware
39. Cell Phone Plans
40. Calling Cards
41. VOIP
42. Weight Loss
43. Canadian Pharmacy
44. Depression
45. Spam Filter
46. Lasik
47. Facelift
48. Teeth Whitening
49. Annuity
50. Anti Virus Protection
51. Adult Diaper
52. Free Credit Report
53. Credit Score
54. Satellite
55. Anti Spam Software
56. Dedicated Hosting
57. Domain Name
58. Need Money
59. Bachelor Degree
60. Master Degree
61. Doctorate Degree
62. Work at Home
63. Quick Book
64. Extra Money
65. Eloan
66. Malpractice Lawyer
67. Lenox China
68. Cancer
69. Payperclick
70. Personal Injury Attorney
71. Lexington Law
72. Video Conferencing
73. Transfer Money
74. Windstar Cruise
75. Casinos Online
76. Term Life
77. Online Banking
78. Borrow Money
79. Low Interest Credit Cards
80. Personal Domain Name
81. Cellular Phone Rental
82. Internet Broker
83. Trans Union
84. Cheap Hosting
85. University Degrees Online
86. Online Marketing
87. Consolidate
88. Helpdesk Software
89. Web Host
90. Homeowner's Insurance
91. Yellow Page Advertising
92. Travel Insurance
93. Register Domain
94. Credit Counseling
95. Email Hosting
96. Business Credit
97. Consumer Credit
98. Blue Cross
99. Laptop Computer
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Weight Loss Plan
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
(Thanks Barbie)
The World’s Funniest Real Ads
Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.
Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.
Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"
1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.
Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.
Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Money
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
(Thanks Jessica)
Doctor Kubur
Pada suatu hari, seorang doktor pakar jantung meninggal dunia. Untuk mengenang jasanya, keluarganya sepakat untuk membuatkan sebuah tugu peringatan dikuburnya berbentuk jantung. Upacara pengkebumian pun berjalan dengan lancar.
Satu bulan kemudian, seorang doktor pakar mata pula meninggal dunia. Seperti yang sudah?, ahli keluarganya sepakat untuk membina sebuah tugu berbentuk mata dikuburnya bagi mengenang jasa beliau. Upacara pengkebumiaan beliau juga berjalan dengan lancar.
Setelah selesai, para hadirin berangkat pulang, hanya tinggal seorang saja yang masih merenung sendirian di pinggir makam si doktor itu. Salah seorang doktor yang lain melihatnya dan segera menghampirinya.
"Sudahlah, yang berlalu biarlah berlalu. Tak usah engkau fikirkan lagi " kata si doktor.
"Saya tidak tahu apa yang harus saya katakan kepadamu," kata lelaki itu.
"Mengapa pula, mana tahu mungkin saya dapat membantu" jawab si doktor itu.
"Saya sedang memikirkan bagaimana pula upacara pengkebumian saya nanti" kata lelaki itu.
"Mengapa pula ?" tanya doktor tersebut. "Saya seorang doktor pakar penyakit kelamin" jawap lelaki itu sugul…
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